Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Just remembered….

My partner and I were listening to the news and a high priest was being prosecuted and I got a flashback of something, something that I’m quite shocked about to be honest, at 16 I was sexually assaulted by my priest – father Paul, I was in confession when he put his hand up my shirt telling me that he is anointing my sins, 😡 wtf that just shook me to my core. Now it explains why I don’t feel comfortable around Catholics/church or even comfortable around a priest, but doesn’t explain why I’m so respectful towards them, if that happened then why do I still show respect to a priest?
The next morning Adam told me something that shook me even more….

….. whenever my cousin Christopher ever be present at a family gathering or even on the streets I would avoid him every chance I got, why you may ask? At first I had no clue, I was always feeling scared and not safe around him, little did I know he was a sexual predator…… 

At 12 he sexually abused me in front of the other guy cousins, he took my cloths off of me in the park at the back of my grandmothers house, thank god there was no intercourse but that’s not the point, he touched me without my consent and to top it off they took my cloths and left me stranded in the park naked and alone, I felt horrible so I cried myself to sleep, still in the park….all night, my parents didn’t even notice me not being home that night until I creeped into the house in a rag that was discarded upon the trees in the park, the man that I used to call my father caught me and yelled at me for being out of my room naked, he must have thought I was in my room all night long. 😐 I tried telling the man I called my father and he simply told me to shut up and stop telling lies.

Fast forward to 15 and I was a smoker at the time, he caught me out the front behind a big truck hiding from everyone as no-one knows I was a smoker, he started groping me harshly and I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn’t, he pulled me into a secluded pathway and pushed me against the wall face first and pulled my pants down, I kept begging him to stop, but after a while I just gave up and just let him finish, that’s when he pushed himself into me telling me how much I’m loving this, that he’s been waiting forever to have me and make his claim on me, make me “his”. I still can’t believe he did this to me to be honest, I’m supposed to be his cousin, not his sex object 😷.

Now lets fast forward to 18, I was attending a family BBQ at his family’s house (I didn’t know that’s where we were going or else I wouldn’t have gone) I was still a smoker and the family didn’t know, they thought I quit smoking so I went out the front a few houses down so they didn’t catch me, little did I know, Christopher was following me mind you he is a married man with his first kid at the time, anyway, I was smoking and he came after me and started feeling me up saying how much he missed my body, and put his hand down my pants, I asked him to stop but I couldn’t push him away as he was much stronger and bigger then I was, I was extremely scared and numb, he grabbed my free hand and put my hand down his pants thrusting into my hand, I begged him to let me go, finally he did let me go as we both finished smoking, I went back inside staying away from everyone, not talking to anyone. We ended up going home and as soon as I got home I called up the police to report it, I was at the station for a good hour, the police didn’t do anything though so I just closed up on myself and never spoke to anyone about it, figured if the police won’t do anything the why bother say anything.

Fast forward to 20, the first time I ran away from home, I was staying in Blacktown when Christopher called me as news traveled throughout the family that I ran off, I didn’t recognise his number as I didn’t have it saved, he told me to tell him where I was so we can talk, I begrudgingly gave him the address of where I was staying, he showed up after 20 minutes, I was still in my pyjamas when he showed up, he picked me up and marched up to my room, (how he knew which one was mine, I have no idea). He threw me on the bed and started ripping off my cloths, I ended up pushing him off me and told him to stop. But to no avail he didn’t listen…..story of my life 😭, he forced himself into me and had his way with me telling me that this is how it’ll always be, me and him…. NO I DONT WANT THIS EVER!  Afterwards he made me promise not to say a word to anyone that he’s been over to see me, he asked how I was affording the place and I shrugged saying that I’m pretty much not eating as I can’t afford anything anymore, so he threw me $2000 and said there’s more where that came from, if I work at his sex pallor, I told him no, but at the end of the chat I told him I’ll think about it…… no I did not take him up on his offer though. 


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