Chronic back pain, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, trauma

No sleep

Okay for the last 3 days I’ve little to no sleep. Why you ask? Because the stress levels I’m enduring is monumental, I can’t stand one of my housemates, she’s a self-centered, selfish, judgemental creature. It’s gotten to the point where both myself and my partner has been stewing on her attitude, she’s pretty much put him in quite a difficult situation and I hate that, she’s been using him too much and now he’s to the point of drawing the line and putting his foot down, now we have to do it alone in a very difficult household, I know she will make things hard for him.

What brought all this on? Okay I’ve been living with them for the last 3 months now, at first things were fine…ish, up until I went to a psych hospital then things went downhill. 

Adam drives her to and from work everyday, 2 hours in the car does not benefit him as he has back issues

At the beginning they all agreed (Daughter-in-law, Adam & Son) that he drives them wherever it is they need in exchange for them paying for his food and petrol as he pays 3/4 of the rent (rent for a room, he doesn’t even leave his room much anyways) and he does the housework as they work all day seems fair to me since he doesn’t work at all, but at the same time I still feel like she should be doing Something in the house). After a while Daughter-in-law started to slack off on the deal. Last night she pretty much made Adam draw the line and told her that he is no longer going to drive her to and from work anymore as he feels like she is using him. And I will not allow that all!

We were up to like 4ish in the morning just trying to make sense of all this. And she’s happily asleep…..i get she’s pregnant and all but come on does she not have a conscious? Whilst I was at my psychologist appointment poor Adam was falling asleep in the waiting room, I felt bad as he was there because of me, I mean he could have stayed home while I caught a taxi or something. I hate putting him out.

Here we are at 5pm in bed he’s sleeping while I wrote this out to get it out of my system, as soon as I’m done in going to try to get some sleep.


Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic back pain, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Journal entry 26.06.17

Today has been nothing but shit, stupid me had to open my mouth this morning and start the day shit.
Went to the doctors to get the medical certificate for Centrelink, to find out that the stupid hospital has fucked up and now confused me tremendously, here we were making somewhat progress now to start from the fucking beginning. 
Been trying to get in contact with my psychologist but to no avail, she isn’t available.

I’m so confused and now I feel like Adam has given up on me, I know he hasn’t but it feels that way, the fact that the hospital has done what they’ve done, he is now most likely thinking I’m nothing but a lying manipulative Asshole. But I’m not, I would never do that, not in a million years, I can’t do this any more. I’m on the verge of just giving it up, shit I’m contemplating on just…. ugh I don’t even know, I need to talk to my psychologist ASAP. This is doing my head in!!
Adam wants nothing to do with me today and I mean I don’t blame him to be honest, I’m nothing but a fuck up, I’m nothing but a screw up, nothing but a failure, nothing but a disappointment, nothing but a……. 😑.
I should NEVER even been born, maybe then none of this would be happening.

Maybe I should just pack my shit and go to the streets, where I belong, because I clearly can’t even do ONE FUCKING THING RIGHT ANYWAYS.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic back pain, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Today hasn’t been too bad

Today I spent the day laying in bed due to my back playing up, felt like I neglected Adam (my partner) he played on his games all day while I laid in bed reading all day. I just couldn’t do anything. 

Leilani came out for a little bit to say hi to her “Daddy” (Adam) they snuggled up and giggled for a bit, she also did some colouring on an app on the iPad today too.

Sara came out and was annoying to her “teddy bear” (Adam) as always.

I’m a bit annoyed that our housemate has not been pulling their weight and keeping up with their end on the bargain, the agreement was to provide food for us, and Adam gets his Daughter-in law to and from work. And lastly we haven’t been having barely any food for lunch. Usually I wouldn’t say much as I hate making a nuisance but it’s gotten so damn ridiculous now.  Adam isn’t happy with it either, he is more patient then I am, that’s for sure. 

Adam’s son called today to see what we wanted for dinner, he ended up saying that his wife wanted do a fish dish so we agreed that’s what’s for dinner, but that never happened, daughter-in law suddenly felt “sick” so they threw pies in the oven with chips in the fryer. 😕 I mean all she had to do was ask me and I’d make dinner lie I did last night, yes I was in agony last night  but, I still did it. That’s my point, I’m in pain, Adam is also in pain yet we still do our part, as we both know that it’s unfair to expect them to do everything (even though they do nothing around the house) I just can’t stand when people go back on their word. It really pisses me off. But whatever, can’t do much about it. I can’t wait to be out of here so we can do our own thing. 

Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic back pain, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Feeling meh

Today has been slow, I haven’t had any sleep due to my back, nor has Adam, he also had back pain.

 Yesterday all my alters came out, it was confusing for Adam, first Lauren came out and she was feeling flat as usual, she was mucking around with scissors and Adam her “life saviour” took them off of her which just made her run back into her shell, she doesn’t feel worthy of his love.

Leilani came out to tickle and cuddle into Adam her “Daddy” after talking for a bit she expressed that she was hurt from the last time she came out, she told him that she was sexual, but deep down she wasn’t, so she tried it for him, and it hurt her. She expressed that and broke down crying since she hid it from him. She ended up sleeping afterwards.

This is the confusing thing for Adam, he thought we were all going to sleep (the body) but nope, Lucy came out to serve Adam, her “Sir” they had their play time, and went to sleep afterwards, little did Adam know, the body didn’t sleep, my back was playing up much that I just could not get to sleep, so here I am laying in bed trying to keep the weight off of my back, unsuccessfully.