Borderline Personality Disorder · Depression · Dissociative Identity Disorder · trauma

Have you ever…

Have you felt so empty and confused, that all you want to do is sleep for a thousand years, just so you don't have to face another day where no one understands the pain you're going through? That no matter how much company you have surrounding you, you still feel completely and utterly alone?

Have you ever felt so livid because it seems everyone around you is happy, except for you. Every squeal of laughter or a beam of a smile sends you closer to insanity, because it didn't seem fair that they didn't feel this way too.
Broken. Shattered. Devastated. Terrified.

Well that's how I feel nearly everyday of my life. Which is sad since I have the most amazing man that actually can tolerate me. I have a roof over my head, I have food and clean water. So why do I feel like this?

Chronic back pain · Depression · Dissociative Identity Disorder · trauma

No sleep

Okay for the last 3 days I’ve little to no sleep. Why you ask? Because the stress levels I’m enduring is monumental, I can’t stand one of my housemates, she’s a self-centered, selfish, judgemental creature. It’s gotten to the point where both myself and my partner has been stewing on her attitude, she’s pretty much put him in quite a difficult situation and I hate that, she’s been using him too much and now he’s to the point of drawing the line and putting his foot down, now we have to do it alone in a very difficult household, I know she will make things hard for him.

What brought all this on? Okay I’ve been living with them for the last 3 months now, at first things were fine…ish, up until I went to a psych hospital then things went downhill. 

Adam drives her to and from work everyday, 2 hours in the car does not benefit him as he has back issues

At the beginning they all agreed (Daughter-in-law, Adam & Son) that he drives them wherever it is they need in exchange for them paying for his food and petrol as he pays 3/4 of the rent (rent for a room, he doesn’t even leave his room much anyways) and he does the housework as they work all day seems fair to me since he doesn’t work at all, but at the same time I still feel like she should be doing Something in the house). After a while Daughter-in-law started to slack off on the deal. Last night she pretty much made Adam draw the line and told her that he is no longer going to drive her to and from work anymore as he feels like she is using him. And I will not allow that all!

We were up to like 4ish in the morning just trying to make sense of all this. And she’s happily asleep…..i get she’s pregnant and all but come on does she not have a conscious? Whilst I was at my psychologist appointment poor Adam was falling asleep in the waiting room, I felt bad as he was there because of me, I mean he could have stayed home while I caught a taxi or something. I hate putting him out.

Here we are at 5pm in bed he’s sleeping while I wrote this out to get it out of my system, as soon as I’m done in going to try to get some sleep.

Donna 

Borderline Personality Disorder · Depression · Dissociative Identity Disorder · trauma

Nightmare

I hate sleeping these days, I have been continuously getting nightmares, a few nights ago was one of the worst.

I was sold to a wealthy family for sex, no I don’t want it, in this one I was raped continuously by not just the Master but his friends…even random people, on top that because I was crying all the time and I spoke out of line the “master” shoved hot coal down my throat which permanently damaged my vocal cords. 

Borderline Personality Disorder · Depression · Dissociative Identity Disorder

Just remembered….

My partner and I were listening to the news and a high priest was being prosecuted and I got a flashback of something, something that I’m quite shocked about to be honest, at 16 I was sexually assaulted by my priest – father Paul, I was in confession when he put his hand up my shirt telling me that he is anointing my sins, 😡 wtf that just shook me to my core. Now it explains why I don’t feel comfortable around Catholics/church or even comfortable around a priest, but doesn’t explain why I’m so respectful towards them, if that happened then why do I still show respect to a priest?
The next morning Adam told me something that shook me even more….

….. whenever my cousin Christopher ever be present at a family gathering or even on the streets I would avoid him every chance I got, why you may ask? At first I had no clue, I was always feeling scared and not safe around him, little did I know he was a sexual predator…… 

At 12 he sexually abused me in front of the other guy cousins, he took my cloths off of me in the park at the back of my grandmothers house, thank god there was no intercourse but that’s not the point, he touched me without my consent and to top it off they took my cloths and left me stranded in the park naked and alone, I felt horrible so I cried myself to sleep, still in the park….all night, my parents didn’t even notice me not being home that night until I creeped into the house in a rag that was discarded upon the trees in the park, the man that I used to call my father caught me and yelled at me for being out of my room naked, he must have thought I was in my room all night long. 😐 I tried telling the man I called my father and he simply told me to shut up and stop telling lies.

Fast forward to 15 and I was a smoker at the time, he caught me out the front behind a big truck hiding from everyone as no-one knows I was a smoker, he started groping me harshly and I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn’t, he pulled me into a secluded pathway and pushed me against the wall face first and pulled my pants down, I kept begging him to stop, but after a while I just gave up and just let him finish, that’s when he pushed himself into me telling me how much I’m loving this, that he’s been waiting forever to have me and make his claim on me, make me “his”. I still can’t believe he did this to me to be honest, I’m supposed to be his cousin, not his sex object 😷.

Now lets fast forward to 18, I was attending a family BBQ at his family’s house (I didn’t know that’s where we were going or else I wouldn’t have gone) I was still a smoker and the family didn’t know, they thought I quit smoking so I went out the front a few houses down so they didn’t catch me, little did I know, Christopher was following me mind you he is a married man with his first kid at the time, anyway, I was smoking and he came after me and started feeling me up saying how much he missed my body, and put his hand down my pants, I asked him to stop but I couldn’t push him away as he was much stronger and bigger then I was, I was extremely scared and numb, he grabbed my free hand and put my hand down his pants thrusting into my hand, I begged him to let me go, finally he did let me go as we both finished smoking, I went back inside staying away from everyone, not talking to anyone. We ended up going home and as soon as I got home I called up the police to report it, I was at the station for a good hour, the police didn’t do anything though so I just closed up on myself and never spoke to anyone about it, figured if the police won’t do anything the why bother say anything.

Fast forward to 20, the first time I ran away from home, I was staying in Blacktown when Christopher called me as news traveled throughout the family that I ran off, I didn’t recognise his number as I didn’t have it saved, he told me to tell him where I was so we can talk, I begrudgingly gave him the address of where I was staying, he showed up after 20 minutes, I was still in my pyjamas when he showed up, he picked me up and marched up to my room, (how he knew which one was mine, I have no idea). He threw me on the bed and started ripping off my cloths, I ended up pushing him off me and told him to stop. But to no avail he didn’t listen…..story of my life 😭, he forced himself into me and had his way with me telling me that this is how it’ll always be, me and him…. NO I DONT WANT THIS EVER!  Afterwards he made me promise not to say a word to anyone that he’s been over to see me, he asked how I was affording the place and I shrugged saying that I’m pretty much not eating as I can’t afford anything anymore, so he threw me $2000 and said there’s more where that came from, if I work at his sex pallor, I told him no, but at the end of the chat I told him I’ll think about it…… no I did not take him up on his offer though. 
 

Borderline Personality Disorder · Depression · Dissociative Identity Disorder

So hurt and confused

Hey guys, today my partner and I are going to drop off his Daughter-in-law to work, coming home for our morning walk that is a doctors orders, then going to centrelink to fix up some things. Then not sure what else we are doing, things are calming down from yesterday.

Yesterday we went to see my psychologist, she really shook me as she pretty much made my partner nearly give up on me. He was going to call it quits. But after we spoke he said he won’t walk away that he needs me just as much as I need him, but things will be hard.

He asked her if we were “faking/putting a show” and all my psychologist said “I can’t really say” that made me feel like she thinks I’m putting this on for my own benefit, now I don’t know who to trust anymore 😔

Has anyone had relationship issues after speaking to their psychologist? 

Borderline Personality Disorder · Chronic back pain · Depression · Dissociative Identity Disorder

Journal entry 26.06.17

Today has been nothing but shit, stupid me had to open my mouth this morning and start the day shit.
Went to the doctors to get the medical certificate for Centrelink, to find out that the stupid hospital has fucked up and now confused me tremendously, here we were making somewhat progress now to start from the fucking beginning. 
Been trying to get in contact with my psychologist but to no avail, she isn’t available.

I’m so confused and now I feel like Adam has given up on me, I know he hasn’t but it feels that way, the fact that the hospital has done what they’ve done, he is now most likely thinking I’m nothing but a lying manipulative Asshole. But I’m not, I would never do that, not in a million years, I can’t do this any more. I’m on the verge of just giving it up, shit I’m contemplating on just…. ugh I don’t even know, I need to talk to my psychologist ASAP. This is doing my head in!!
Adam wants nothing to do with me today and I mean I don’t blame him to be honest, I’m nothing but a fuck up, I’m nothing but a screw up, nothing but a failure, nothing but a disappointment, nothing but a……. 😑.
I should NEVER even been born, maybe then none of this would be happening.

Maybe I should just pack my shit and go to the streets, where I belong, because I clearly can’t even do ONE FUCKING THING RIGHT ANYWAYS.