Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, trauma

Have you ever…

Have you felt so empty and confused, that all you want to do is sleep for a thousand years, just so you don't have to face another day where no one understands the pain you're going through? That no matter how much company you have surrounding you, you still feel completely and utterly alone?

Have you ever felt so livid because it seems everyone around you is happy, except for you. Every squeal of laughter or a beam of a smile sends you closer to insanity, because it didn't seem fair that they didn't feel this way too.
Broken. Shattered. Devastated. Terrified.

Well that's how I feel nearly everyday of my life. Which is sad since I have the most amazing man that actually can tolerate me. I have a roof over my head, I have food and clean water. So why do I feel like this?

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Chronic back pain, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, trauma

No sleep

Okay for the last 3 days I’ve little to no sleep. Why you ask? Because the stress levels I’m enduring is monumental, I can’t stand one of my housemates, she’s a self-centered, selfish, judgemental creature. It’s gotten to the point where both myself and my partner has been stewing on her attitude, she’s pretty much put him in quite a difficult situation and I hate that, she’s been using him too much and now he’s to the point of drawing the line and putting his foot down, now we have to do it alone in a very difficult household, I know she will make things hard for him.

What brought all this on? Okay I’ve been living with them for the last 3 months now, at first things were fine…ish, up until I went to a psych hospital then things went downhill. 

Adam drives her to and from work everyday, 2 hours in the car does not benefit him as he has back issues

At the beginning they all agreed (Daughter-in-law, Adam & Son) that he drives them wherever it is they need in exchange for them paying for his food and petrol as he pays 3/4 of the rent (rent for a room, he doesn’t even leave his room much anyways) and he does the housework as they work all day seems fair to me since he doesn’t work at all, but at the same time I still feel like she should be doing Something in the house). After a while Daughter-in-law started to slack off on the deal. Last night she pretty much made Adam draw the line and told her that he is no longer going to drive her to and from work anymore as he feels like she is using him. And I will not allow that all!

We were up to like 4ish in the morning just trying to make sense of all this. And she’s happily asleep…..i get she’s pregnant and all but come on does she not have a conscious? Whilst I was at my psychologist appointment poor Adam was falling asleep in the waiting room, I felt bad as he was there because of me, I mean he could have stayed home while I caught a taxi or something. I hate putting him out.

Here we are at 5pm in bed he’s sleeping while I wrote this out to get it out of my system, as soon as I’m done in going to try to get some sleep.

Donna 

Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, trauma

Nightmare

I hate sleeping these days, I have been continuously getting nightmares, a few nights ago was one of the worst.

I was sold to a wealthy family for sex, no I don’t want it, in this one I was raped continuously by not just the Master but his friends…even random people, on top that because I was crying all the time and I spoke out of line the “master” shoved hot coal down my throat which permanently damaged my vocal cords.