Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Just remembered….

My partner and I were listening to the news and a high priest was being prosecuted and I got a flashback of something, something that I’m quite shocked about to be honest, at 16 I was sexually assaulted by my priest – father Paul, I was in confession when he put his hand up my shirt telling me that he is anointing my sins, ๐Ÿ˜ก wtf that just shook me to my core. Now it explains why I don’t feel comfortable around Catholics/church or even comfortable around a priest, but doesn’t explain why I’m so respectful towards them, if that happened then why do I still show respect to a priest?
The next morning Adam told me something that shook me even more….

….. whenever my cousin Christopher ever be present at a family gathering or even on the streets I would avoid him every chance I got, why you may ask? At first I had no clue, I was always feeling scared and not safe around him, little did I know he was a sexual predator…… 

At 12 he sexually abused me in front of the other guy cousins, he took my cloths off of me in the park at the back of my grandmothers house, thank god there was no intercourse but that’s not the point, he touched me without my consent and to top it off they took my cloths and left me stranded in the park naked and alone, I felt horrible so I cried myself to sleep, still in the park….all night, my parents didn’t even notice me not being home that night until I creeped into the house in a rag that was discarded upon the trees in the park, the man that I used to call my father caught me and yelled at me for being out of my room naked, he must have thought I was in my room all night long. ๐Ÿ˜ I tried telling the man I called my father and he simply told me to shut up and stop telling lies.

Fast forward to 15 and I was a smoker at the time, he caught me out the front behind a big truck hiding from everyone as no-one knows I was a smoker, he started groping me harshly and I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn’t, he pulled me into a secluded pathway and pushed me against the wall face first and pulled my pants down, I kept begging him to stop, but after a while I just gave up and just let him finish, that’s when he pushed himself into me telling me how much I’m loving this, that he’s been waiting forever to have me and make his claim on me, make me “his”. I still can’t believe he did this to me to be honest, I’m supposed to be his cousin, not his sex object ๐Ÿ˜ท.

Now lets fast forward to 18, I was attending a family BBQ at his family’s house (I didn’t know that’s where we were going or else I wouldn’t have gone) I was still a smoker and the family didn’t know, they thought I quit smoking so I went out the front a few houses down so they didn’t catch me, little did I know, Christopher was following me mind you he is a married man with his first kid at the time, anyway, I was smoking and he came after me and started feeling me up saying how much he missed my body, and put his hand down my pants, I asked him to stop but I couldn’t push him away as he was much stronger and bigger then I was, I was extremely scared and numb, he grabbed my free hand and put my hand down his pants thrusting into my hand, I begged him to let me go, finally he did let me go as we both finished smoking, I went back inside staying away from everyone, not talking to anyone. We ended up going home and as soon as I got home I called up the police to report it, I was at the station for a good hour, the police didn’t do anything though so I just closed up on myself and never spoke to anyone about it, figured if the police won’t do anything the why bother say anything.

Fast forward to 20, the first time I ran away from home, I was staying in Blacktown when Christopher called me as news traveled throughout the family that I ran off, I didn’t recognise his number as I didn’t have it saved, he told me to tell him where I was so we can talk, I begrudgingly gave him the address of where I was staying, he showed up after 20 minutes, I was still in my pyjamas when he showed up, he picked me up and marched up to my room, (how he knew which one was mine, I have no idea). He threw me on the bed and started ripping off my cloths, I ended up pushing him off me and told him to stop. But to no avail he didn’t listen…..story of my life ๐Ÿ˜ญ, he forced himself into me and had his way with me telling me that this is how it’ll always be, me and him…. NO I DONT WANT THIS EVER!  Afterwards he made me promise not to say a word to anyone that he’s been over to see me, he asked how I was affording the place and I shrugged saying that I’m pretty much not eating as I can’t afford anything anymore, so he threw me $2000 and said there’s more where that came from, if I work at his sex pallor, I told him no, but at the end of the chat I told him I’ll think about it…… no I did not take him up on his offer though. 

Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder

So hurt and confused

Hey guys, today my partner and I are going to drop off his Daughter-in-law to work, coming home for our morning walk that is a doctors orders, then going to centrelink to fix up some things. Then not sure what else we are doing, things are calming down from yesterday.

Yesterday we went to see my psychologist, she really shook me as she pretty much made my partner nearly give up on me. He was going to call it quits. But after we spoke he said he won’t walk away that he needs me just as much as I need him, but things will be hard.

He asked her if we were “faking/putting a show” and all my psychologist said “I can’t really say” that made me feel like she thinks I’m putting this on for my own benefit, now I don’t know who to trust anymore ๐Ÿ˜”

Has anyone had relationship issues after speaking to their psychologist? 

Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic back pain, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Journal entry 26.06.17

Today has been nothing but shit, stupid me had to open my mouth this morning and start the day shit.
Went to the doctors to get the medical certificate for Centrelink, to find out that the stupid hospital has fucked up and now confused me tremendously, here we were making somewhat progress now to start from the fucking beginning. 
Been trying to get in contact with my psychologist but to no avail, she isn’t available.

I’m so confused and now I feel like Adam has given up on me, I know he hasn’t but it feels that way, the fact that the hospital has done what they’ve done, he is now most likely thinking I’m nothing but a lying manipulative Asshole. But I’m not, I would never do that, not in a million years, I can’t do this any more. I’m on the verge of just giving it up, shit I’m contemplating on just…. ugh I don’t even know, I need to talk to my psychologist ASAP. This is doing my head in!!
Adam wants nothing to do with me today and I mean I don’t blame him to be honest, I’m nothing but a fuck up, I’m nothing but a screw up, nothing but a failure, nothing but a disappointment, nothing but a……. ๐Ÿ˜‘.
I should NEVER even been born, maybe then none of this would be happening.

Maybe I should just pack my shit and go to the streets, where I belong, because I clearly can’t even do ONE FUCKING THING RIGHT ANYWAYS.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic back pain, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Today hasn’t been too bad

Today I spent the day laying in bed due to my back playing up, felt like I neglected Adam (my partner) he played on his games all day while I laid in bed reading all day. I just couldn’t do anything. 

Leilani came out for a little bit to say hi to her “Daddy” (Adam) they snuggled up and giggled for a bit, she also did some colouring on an app on the iPad today too.

Sara came out and was annoying to her “teddy bear” (Adam) as always.

I’m a bit annoyed that our housemate has not been pulling their weight and keeping up with their end on the bargain, the agreement was to provide food for us, and Adam gets his Daughter-in law to and from work. And lastly we haven’t been having barely any food for lunch. Usually I wouldn’t say much as I hate making a nuisance but it’s gotten so damn ridiculous now.  Adam isn’t happy with it either, he is more patient then I am, that’s for sure. 

Adam’s son called today to see what we wanted for dinner, he ended up saying that his wife wanted do a fish dish so we agreed that’s what’s for dinner, but that never happened, daughter-in law suddenly felt “sick” so they threw pies in the oven with chips in the fryer. ๐Ÿ˜• I mean all she had to do was ask me and I’d make dinner lie I did last night, yes I was in agony last night  but, I still did it. That’s my point, I’m in pain, Adam is also in pain yet we still do our part, as we both know that it’s unfair to expect them to do everything (even though they do nothing around the house) I just can’t stand when people go back on their word. It really pisses me off. But whatever, can’t do much about it. I can’t wait to be out of here so we can do our own thing. 

Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic back pain, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Feeling meh

Today has been slow, I haven’t had any sleep due to my back, nor has Adam, he also had back pain.

 Yesterday all my alters came out, it was confusing for Adam, first Lauren came out and she was feeling flat as usual, she was mucking around with scissors and Adam her “life saviour” took them off of her which just made her run back into her shell, she doesn’t feel worthy of his love.

Leilani came out to tickle and cuddle into Adam her “Daddy” after talking for a bit she expressed that she was hurt from the last time she came out, she told him that she was sexual, but deep down she wasn’t, so she tried it for him, and it hurt her. She expressed that and broke down crying since she hid it from him. She ended up sleeping afterwards.

This is the confusing thing for Adam, he thought we were all going to sleep (the body) but nope, Lucy came out to serve Adam, her “Sir” they had their play time, and went to sleep afterwards, little did Adam know, the body didn’t sleep, my back was playing up much that I just could not get to sleep, so here I am laying in bed trying to keep the weight off of my back, unsuccessfully.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder

Day 2 of the impossible

So today was a very flat day actually, today woke up stressed, nervous, scared and exhausted. Today we are meeting up with mum @2:30pm at iconic in Westfield, kinda anxious as it’s the first time I’ll see her in 2 months, I just feel like curling up in a ball and never leaving tbh, this is going to be massive for me. I’m scared she’s gonna go nuts at me or something.

Adam seems calm and collected, he says he’s not nervous personally only nervous for me, I just hope nothing bad happens as this will really destroy me, I’m so scared I don’t know what to do. Agh

So we met up with “bitch” and I swear I wanted to rip her to shreds, the look in her face was nothing but disgust, asking the same question THREE times is stupid tbh, Adam and I both left feeling more pissed then we expected. She was totally judging me.

When she mentioned “her demons” I wanted to laugh at her ridiculousness. The fuck woman? I’m not stupid….you’ve been researching too, ain’t fucking hard to say. Argh!!

So I’ve been reading a lot of blogs all day today and yesterday, and I keep having this nagging questions at the back of my head, can someone with DID have BPD? 

Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder

First blog ever

Okay so this is the first time I’ve never “blogged” my thoughts and feeling so please go easy on me.
I just would like help actually.

People asks me what my childhood was like, and I don’t know at all, I can’t remember ANYTHING, my childhood is a black void. Not sure why, mum always said I was a happy, funny kid…but I just don’t remember that, she said that at the age of 12 I just clammed up, something must have happened, what happened to me? Did I hit my head and get amnesia? Not that I remember….then the doctors told me that as a child there was traumatic event and I started to “dissociate” whatever that means……. now here I am, trying to figure out what may have happened.

At 25 and I don’t know who I am that’s so screwed up, usually at 20 you start to get an idea of who you are, so at 25 not knowing is a big concern to mne.

So I have DID never knew I had it, I thought I had schizophrenia with voices in my ahead.  Having blank spaces during the day, my partner started bringing up things I did, but I had NO recollection of them. So we went to the ER to get assessed, That turned out that I had something wrong with me so they admitted me into a mental hospital. Oh my god was that daunting, I’ve done it before in 2012, for sever depression and Sever Anxiety. But this one was different, the people scared the hell out of me, but I did stay and get the treatment that I needed, no I’m not “cured” but I’m managing better, I’m home struggling still as this is hard to deal with.

So I’m waiting for my psychologist who is on a week break (public health system sucks lol) and I’m going insane, I have so many questions to ask but I have no-one to answer them, as my partner is just as flabbergasted.

Everything we’ve read makes absolutely no sense, everything I read is not what happens to me, the thing is when I asked my psychologist about this a few weeks ago her answer was “this case has never been heard of, so stop reading so much, this is new and everyone is different”. That doesn’t help at all, not saying there isn’t ANYTHING that resonates with me, because there is. 
It’s like I make 3 steps forwards and 2 steps back, this unpredictable roller coaster is actually doing my head in.

I have 5 alters: 

Donna: main one, the confused and lost one

Sara: protector, safe keeper

Leilani: the little, she ranges from 5-13

Lauren: the over sensitive one

Lucy: people pleaser.